It's 2:30AM and again I'm struggling to sleep. I've been feeling like this for about a year now and as stupid, immature and naive as it sounds.. I began feeling this way, and progressive gotten worse as time has gone on, after my ex girlfriend/childhood friend dumped me.
I've always been an odd guy.. looking at pictures of myself in primary school I was always in Metallica/ACDC T shirts and skull hoodies, black jeans with the chain, etc.. Although, in primary school kids are more accepting of different people, I put this down to innocence.. but when I went then to high school I was bullied quite a frequently.. I had long hair which was picked up and quickly snipped off by a guy in my class. Getting Constant dirty looks and being evidently friendless really damaged my confidence and made me become a very private, conservative person. And this was the way life continued for me until 2 years ago when I started going out with a girl I grew up with and for the first time In my life I felt accepted.. comfortable around someone and effective felt like this someone wants to be with me. A feeling i've never had before. My loneliness had come to an end and I was the happiest guy ever... and so in love with my little red head. I was a good boyfriend.. I liked to treat her well and on occasions go all out for her..
this being her christmas presents
http://puu.sh/6etWu.jpg
I don't have a lot of money, and i did have to save up for a few months to afford it all, but it was worth it.
Anyway, for the best part of a year I felt more alive and happy than I ever did.
But with every relationship comes arguments and fights.
We didn't usually have an argument over things we didn't see eye-to-eye to but one day we had quite a big argument and she told me these things..
1: I'm not allowed to talk to my friends when i need someone to talk to, i must go to her.
2: I have to be spontaneous all the time
3: struggling to remember....
And i said okay... I kissed her at the bus depot and told her we'd get through it.
I got to my friends house that night and started jamming on guitar and listening to some bon jovi/bmth etc when my phone rang.. It was her, crying.. and she told me it was over..
My world seemed to crash into itself and my friend helped me and stopped me from completely breaking down.
I got home and for 3 days consistently I hadn't stopped crying until I called her and begged her back. Told her i'd change etc and her reply was.. "No, I'm not your lally anymore" (Lally being a nickname for her)
Crushed and heartbroken I knew I had to forget her... and although i was hurt i tried to not isolate myself and become the person i used to be.
2 weeks later i find out she's in a new relationship with none other than my cousin.
there are not words really to describe how i felt at this point. Angry. Violent. Deluded in rage. Even to this day I still am.
I started drinking... heavily. to the point my father pulled me about it and gave off. I even started the disgusting habit of smoking, oddly enough it helped me sleep at night.
Did I do something wrong? Did I mean ANYTHING to her at all? Could I have done better?
Questions like this tarnished my mind and it wasn't long until insomnia stuck and as I tossed and turned night after night I began having suicidal thoughts. Thoughts ranging from... who would find me... to, how could i get a rope up there. After half a year of feeling like this, I had gone to university and saw a notice on the wall for counselling. I emailed them and booked an appointment with a woman called susan. I talked to susan and she gave me a questionnaire afterwhich she told me, "it does look like some form of depression, which is commonly linked to loss". We adviced me to talk to my Doctor.
After a few weeks of consideration I went to the doctor who offered me antidepressants.. which i politely refused.
She told me she'd contact some specialist to see me and today that letter came and I need to make an appointment to see her..
I don't know what i'm getting at here, but I can't seem to move on with my life. I'm like a broken record and it's driving me insane. Can anyone offer any advice? thank you for reading.
I've always been an odd guy.. looking at pictures of myself in primary school I was always in Metallica/ACDC T shirts and skull hoodies, black jeans with the chain, etc.. Although, in primary school kids are more accepting of different people, I put this down to innocence.. but when I went then to high school I was bullied quite a frequently.. I had long hair which was picked up and quickly snipped off by a guy in my class. Getting Constant dirty looks and being evidently friendless really damaged my confidence and made me become a very private, conservative person. And this was the way life continued for me until 2 years ago when I started going out with a girl I grew up with and for the first time In my life I felt accepted.. comfortable around someone and effective felt like this someone wants to be with me. A feeling i've never had before. My loneliness had come to an end and I was the happiest guy ever... and so in love with my little red head. I was a good boyfriend.. I liked to treat her well and on occasions go all out for her..
this being her christmas presents
http://puu.sh/6etWu.jpg
I don't have a lot of money, and i did have to save up for a few months to afford it all, but it was worth it.
Anyway, for the best part of a year I felt more alive and happy than I ever did.
But with every relationship comes arguments and fights.
We didn't usually have an argument over things we didn't see eye-to-eye to but one day we had quite a big argument and she told me these things..
1: I'm not allowed to talk to my friends when i need someone to talk to, i must go to her.
2: I have to be spontaneous all the time
3: struggling to remember....
And i said okay... I kissed her at the bus depot and told her we'd get through it.
I got to my friends house that night and started jamming on guitar and listening to some bon jovi/bmth etc when my phone rang.. It was her, crying.. and she told me it was over..
My world seemed to crash into itself and my friend helped me and stopped me from completely breaking down.
I got home and for 3 days consistently I hadn't stopped crying until I called her and begged her back. Told her i'd change etc and her reply was.. "No, I'm not your lally anymore" (Lally being a nickname for her)
Crushed and heartbroken I knew I had to forget her... and although i was hurt i tried to not isolate myself and become the person i used to be.
2 weeks later i find out she's in a new relationship with none other than my cousin.
there are not words really to describe how i felt at this point. Angry. Violent. Deluded in rage. Even to this day I still am.
I started drinking... heavily. to the point my father pulled me about it and gave off. I even started the disgusting habit of smoking, oddly enough it helped me sleep at night.
Did I do something wrong? Did I mean ANYTHING to her at all? Could I have done better?
Questions like this tarnished my mind and it wasn't long until insomnia stuck and as I tossed and turned night after night I began having suicidal thoughts. Thoughts ranging from... who would find me... to, how could i get a rope up there. After half a year of feeling like this, I had gone to university and saw a notice on the wall for counselling. I emailed them and booked an appointment with a woman called susan. I talked to susan and she gave me a questionnaire afterwhich she told me, "it does look like some form of depression, which is commonly linked to loss". We adviced me to talk to my Doctor.
After a few weeks of consideration I went to the doctor who offered me antidepressants.. which i politely refused.
She told me she'd contact some specialist to see me and today that letter came and I need to make an appointment to see her..
I don't know what i'm getting at here, but I can't seem to move on with my life. I'm like a broken record and it's driving me insane. Can anyone offer any advice? thank you for reading.